Improving website copy: shopkick

Shopkick screenshot

shopkick is the first mobile app that rewards users with exclusive deals and “kickbuck points” just for walking into stores.  I liked the idea and wanted to provide feedback on the website copy so that potential users can more easily understand the concept.

Here are my suggestions for the first paragraph of the “About” section.

Current: Love shopping? Don’t love shopping? Ok, then we have something for both of you. :)
Feedback: “Don’t love shopping” is repetitive.  Since you aren’t referring to two specific people, avoid saying “both of you.”
Improved:  Love shopping?  Hate shopping?  Either way, we have something for you.

Current: We believe that shopping in the offline world can be done much better than it’s been done for so many years.
Feedback: “…done much better than it’s been done” is repetitive and isn’t concrete.  What do you mean it can be better?  How?  Use more descriptive words.  “For many years” sounds too formal for the brand voice.
Improved: We believe that shopping in stores can be more rewarding and interactive than it’s been for a long time.

Current: Why does no one reward you for visiting their stores, only for buying something? Why does nobody make shopping more individual? Where are the offers that really matter to you, especially if you don’t read the Sunday paper? And why is there no fun social sharing and other entertainment when you go to your favorite stores?
Feedback: Using “no” before each phrase sounds awkward and it brings up negative connotations in the customer’s mind.  You can’t “make shopping more individual."  However, you can make shopping about the individual, or make shopping more personalized.  Use “you” to speak directly to your audience.
Improved:  Why should you only be recognized for making purchases?  Why shouldn’t you get bonus points just for browsing?  Why should social apps be limited to the online world?

Key take-aways:

1. Avoid over-using words/phrases, especially in consecutive sentences.

2. Be descriptive about what you mean instead of using generic terms.

3. Write in a tone reflects your brand voice.

4. Use affirmative language whenever possible.

5. Write in a way that sounds natural if someone were to read it out loud.

Are you a current user of shopkick?  Do you think the website is clear in describing the app?  If you have ideas about improving the messaging/images on other pages of the site, please feel free to share.

For more of my two cents, follow me on Twitter: @winniekao